I’m forgetting the first sensation, which irritates me and causes me to feel despair, I’m juggling, I’m trying to visualize something with my eyes open, I’m building sand castles, but no, I’m trying to build real castles, two in the same place with different designs (I’m splitting into two, no, three people), I’m jumping back and forth between two transformer plates like in the science fiction novels, I’m turning colors like a chameleon, I’m trying to synthesize, I’m a phenomenologist, holding up more than one idea in my consciousness, superimposing disparate images, trying to do it just right so that I can perceive an ordered whole that will stay together rather than flying apart and disintegrating, I’m building a geodesic dome of twigs with my hands tied behind my back, I’m putting together a model ship in a glass bottle, I’m locking into a microtelescope that keeps getting blurry, I’m scratching my face and wishing I had even a few tablets of codeine. I’m on the biggest N-dimensional Rubik’s cube, called the mind, I’m trying to cement a shattered mirror back together again, trying to fit the pieces into something that works (Grace! Elegance!) shaving an edge here for this contingency, tagging that percept or concept this context or that question with tracers and chains of reasoning memorized for future further study and resolution, it’s ping pong, this one leads unexpectedly back to that strut, that beam, which isn’t strong enough to hold it, I have to go and tear out the whole corner and build it again, but I have to hurry over to the other side because the roof is sagging, it needs propping up immediately, the thing is a house of cards, it’s tumbling down, no, wait, it’s going to be okay, I have to put a drop of Krazy Glue® at each joint, it’s a fusion machine, I need more laser heat, the magnets aren’t strong enough, it’s going out of control, shut it down now! before the whole outbuilding melts! and build the magnets over again, check the timing programs, rewrite the program on the computer to get the bugs out so they can coordinate the magnet pulses, rebuild the batteries, they got all fucked up from the overload, I don’t even have time to worry about…

Here’s the man with the gun, he wants me to work faster, why doesn’t he realize that I’m going as fast as I can, no, he says it’s okay for now, just make sure I meet the next hundred and fifty deadlines on time, the stress is incredible, I feel like shit, this is all coming to nothing, the project is broken, I wish someone would murder me, I only enjoy things when they leave me alone, I work better then, it pleases me when my art is proceeding, how do they expect me to work under this stress! and they keep taking everything away, they won’t let me keep anything I finish, they feed me dog food, I never see anyone, all I have to keep me company at night is my nightmares. Oh, the beauty! One moment to relax and I see it, I get a glimpse, who CARES about the guns, they can’t hurt me when I have the vision! I can see the finished project, and a million more stunning sights, come up before my eyes! If I had this tool I could get it done in a minute, I have to wait, and work at it, I have to build the tool, I don’t know how.

It gives me peace to figure out how to build the tool, but my peace is gone when I see how much is left for me to do, in every minute the structure decays, mutates, changes, needs different tools.

I want more time. If I can’t have water (I set my teeth, grim, determined), then… I’ll build a mirage.

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