The Problem in the Church Today: Its Resolution

The Church of the SubGenius is in obvious disarray. Faith in “Bob” wanes as the Hierarchites loudly proclaim its growth; contributions-flow fades to a dribble while these same men undertake vast new projects at a stunning rate. What has gone wrong, and how can we resolve the problems? To this question do I turn my attention in this essay; and woe be unto those at whom the fingers are pointed and the Stark Fists delivered: for it is no longer time for pussyfooting and friend-making. It is, in my opinion, too late for gentle cementing of rifts; too late for nicey-nice coddlings to do any good. Blame must be set and heads must roll. Onward then.

The first symptom of decay and dissolution is, of course, the rampant multitude of schizms and varieties of heretical sectarianism. A cult of pietist/gnostics has even sprung up whose object of devotion is “Bobra”! (Fine it may be to add emphasis to “Bob”’s female principle… but this is going too far. Here, however, is not the place to pick apart and scholasticize with all the latter-day tackers of thesi.) What we see is no less than the bastardization of the true doctrine, and this points to inexcusable laxity on the part of the Dallas Headquarters and even “Bob” himself. I warned against this years ago, but was ignored and reviled for my lack of faith. Perhaps a bit of history is in order.

I was of the original group of “Bob’s” disciples. I wrote much of the now-destroyed early SubProp, and helped with all my might to build the underground apparatus into that mighty force it once was: the pride and envy of many a rival totalitarian group. But I warned against going aboveground with the Church, and I urged the Dallas chapter to jettison their plans for the Foundation. It was this that precipitated the brutal purge of myself and my followers, and although we remained close to “Bob” through secret correspondence, we were alarmed to note his increasing infatuation with the “Publickers”, as we called them. Months before I died of a self-inflicted bullet wound to the head, I, with my comrades at The Word of Truth Ministries Reformed Church of the SubGenius (MiniTrue), had brought forth the Society of “Bob” in an attempt to wrest control away from the Publickers so that we might “go back below” for further learning and study before again attempting to actively proselytize. This project, the outreach to many splitfactions and SubTendrils, still holds much promise, and signs indicate that “Bob” is finally growing restive with the mediapink orientation of the Church.*

From the start I was anti-activist, and I called for the Church to shun involvement in projects before we were ready. The Word of “Bob” had to be installed with vigor among the ranks before we could undertake the vast efforts urged by “Bob”. He had too much belief in us. I saw this, and so did he; for there is an over-eager “Bob” and an overcautious “Bob”, an activist “Bob” and a passivist “Bob”. Those who eagerly called for all-out, immediate war against the Pinks were obviously conspiracy infiltrators, and though we purged them in time, their close brethren were allowed to stay on and poison the air with whispered councils.

Even when the hierarchites call for peace and so on, when they tell us not to go overboard, they go too far. “Bob” save us from too-early recognition as a threat by the Conspiracy! We are not ready yet, not strong enough yet, to take Them on should They launch an offensive against us!

All to no avail. Catering to the whims of the dilute and the dissolute, Ivan Stang, Paul Mavrides and Philo Drummond all had “Bob’s” ear, and he was swayed. There is a Quick Riches Scheme, they said, there is a Quick Victory Plan. We can find it only if we embark on the road now and cross the bridges when we come to them. In vain did I argue that we had maps of the territory, and that successful troops needed a battle plan, a strategic goal. “He wants us to sit on our behinds and talk until X-day,” they told “Bob”, souring him to my advice. Oh, evil lust! How can we achieve Slack when the opportunists offer up Slackless plan after Slackless plan? Work, work, and nothing but work have they produced for themselves, and for those confused few who thought they had the secrets.

And so. My prescription? How do we seal the yawning chasm between the Word and the practice? How do we oust the sectarian opportunists and at the same time unify the remaining dispersed forces? How do we rally?

From the start I want it known that my plan is only one among many, to be weighed for its merits and judged for its demerits. “Bob” will make a final pronouncement, and no matter what, we must follow him. But I believe he will see hope in what I offer.

I offer this: Since a few have, through their high placement within the Hierarchy, already obtained sensitive mailing lists and codes, we have already begun breaking ground for the Society of “Bob”. This organ should work to overthrow the present opportunist leadership and establish an internal dictatorship of the SubGenius that will mirror, in embryo, the external goals that we pursue. Internal “Bob” world before external! That shall be our slogan in this fight. The dialogue forming the context within which this paper is presented should be the solid framework for a new reapproachment among the disaffected members of the SubGenius community. After a short period of debate during which everyone gets to air their views and proposals, and subsequent power struggle, a massive witch hunt should be conducted. All dissenters should be defined as enemies of “Bob” and then declared “open game” for the vicious subtlevenge organs of the Church. No matter what, our prime purpose is the exposure and vilification of “Bob” traitors.

The embryonic Society of “Bob” has already made successful outreach efforts and has established a working relationship with the violence prone clenches. The pacifist SubGenii have also been encouragingly approached, and both groups are convinced that this plan has merit. The Society was integral in organizing participation in this very project, including this publication of formerly suppressed dissenting opinion. A united “Bob” front! Slough off the Dallas Leaders for “Bob”!

We have sent a delegation to “Bob”’s mountain hideaway with a secret ultimatum, and should have gotten preliminary results around the time this document has been released.

Perhaps the Dallas Leaders for “Bob” will come around. If not, we shall see what we shall see. Adieu, then, for now.

Toward a Revitalized Church!
Internal “Bob” World Before External!
To Unity Behind “Bob”!


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