An Introduction
to SubGenius Theology:
brief examinations of
several doctrinal points.
H.P. of the U,
G.B. Reith

Depending on your level of activity in the Church, doctrine plays an increasing role. In truth as well as practice, every single member of the Church represents a unique faction or schizm. “Bob” approves. But should the individual member find himself or herself wending his or her way deeper into the higher, hidden and arcane orders of the Church, with their complex, bizarre, and totalitarian belief systems, it becomes crystal clear that skill at Bobthink (dealing with finer theological points and being able to resolve in one’s mind unresolvable opposites) is necessary. Indeed, many of “Bob’s” most promising slavstudents have gone astray at juncture this very. Critical needless to say.

Should my reader this point need review conceptual tools and Church structural underpinnings such as Bobthink, the eternally retractable statement of absolute truth, the constantly inventable doctrine, and related points such as the shordurpersav, the Supreme, Divine Fallibility of “Bob”, and so on, consult your pamphlet. For now we can safely assume you are prepared this data for. Onward then.

The Two

Some think that there are actually two Conspiracies; this is known as the dualcy heresy. Representatives of this schizmatic cult will attempt to convince you that the Conspiracy is actually divided into two opposing camps whose only cooperation lies in not revealing their enmity so that the Normals won’t suspect anything.

“Bob” shows us that this heresy is unfortunate but not pivotal. He lets us know that they are both one and the same. He points out that it is much akin to the error of the Eastern Cultists who war over perception of the world as either the Ping-Pong split or the Dow Chem whole. Anyway, it is both, and sometimes Conspiracy members will attempt to recruit you, explaining how evil the “other side” is. Don’t be fooled. They will never let you really join and instead will simply use you as a pawn.

role in
the hierarchy.

This is relatively easy. Only the most Normal of the schizmatics have any doubts concerning “Bob’s” role.

”Bob” is never to be questioned. Whatever “Bob” says is true, and whatever is attributed to “Bob” is true. If a conflict appears, it is not really a conflict. Sometimes “Bob” will make himself appear in visions to the unfaithful, convincing them to make stupid, blatant power plays or attempts to corrupt Church doctrine. He does this so that they will be exposed as wreckers.

”Bob” generally prevents people from lying about him unless he wants them to. The media, for instance, cannot help but lie about “Bob” and distort the Church whenever they report on it. This actually helps us . . . makes us more “slippery.”

Responsibility Ratio.

New members tend to go overboard in placing the blame on the Conspiracy. Soon they learn of the major role played by its dupes — the Pinks, the Normals, and the Mediocretins.

The question is mainly one of intent. Many schizms have been formed over this issue. Many see the Conspiracy as the only agent worth blaming and deny the importance of the spineless and directionless cattle who cannot have acted otherwise and are thus absolved.*

As “Bob” says, “Think how dumb the average guy is. Well, by definition, half of them are dumber than that.” If we take the humanoid “normative state” to be completely unrelated to such qualifiers as functionality, success, health, happiness, — indeed, if we assume that egalitarians are anything but the rankest imbeciles (excremeditate on the idea of pushy Normals trying to make everyone exactly Normal! “Bob” wants this to enrage you) — then it is clear that the Normal is marked by bovinity, banality, chronic stupidity, being at once incurious, lazy, dumb, fat, and bored, in a word incapable of achieving success in the universe were it not for the “heroic” efforts of Conspiracy dupes and collaborators who gain for their worth lower-level power seats and squeeze the embryonic Overmen, thus keeping them semi-permanently stunted, to provide enough to feed and clothe the mindless many. Thus it is seen that the role of the Normals is integral to the success of the Conspiracy, since if in any one place the slopeheaded industrialized simians are in a majority they tend to monopolize and create a stifling atmosphere, even at times banding together to attack the rare Overman who attains self-awareness sufficient to produce action; this role can in no way validly be denied its place in the register of the inexcusable and the criminal.

This does not downgrade the primacy of the Conspiracy’s role in oppressing the Church. The Normals are deformed only by specific action of top level Conspiracy members.

The more easily frustrated among the Church membership tend to see action-appropriateness on these questions in terms of gain. Thus the signal importance cannot be overrated. Can the Normals be blamed for their obnoxious ignorance? Although they are part and parcel, albeit unaware, of the Conspiracy itself, can we plot their destruction since they are too shallow and empty minded to even suspect their gross idiocy? To the moron, everyone else is a moron; they cannot detect subtlety; the blind doubt the existence of sight. And since the Conspiracy is consciously directing its energy at the persecution of “Bob” and his Church, can we waste our time on the Normal wipeout project or should we go for the roots and watch the branches die later?

As tactical and strategic questions, the answers lie in the not-too-distant future when “Bob” has assembled sufficient data. It is not yet Bobclear that the Conspiracy can be defeated while the Normals maintain their inertial grip on culture and society. It is further theorized that more Conspiracies can spring up if the superstructure, a mass of blind robots, continues to exist, wandering around in a fog looking for strong leaders and national wills. Their sheer numbers are what counts, because they can be mobilized by television hypnotists among the Conspiracy top-cells even though they possess no thought of their own.

A subsidiary issue related to this one is the question of the division between abolitionist and replacement SubGenii. The replacementists urge direct war upon the Conspiracy with the express intent to smash and overthrow it. This they say will leave a gap which will be filled by the triumphant church members with “Bob” leading the way as a one man vanguard. They offer that although not very versatile, the Normals make pretty good servants, arguing that a worldwide reign of SubGenii presents no particular problem for the Church. As a matter of fact, not a single Church member sees anything wrong With this goal. Vengeance on the Normals who brought this mess can only be exacted by crushing their present masters and then replacing it with a reign of terror so vast and inescapable that not a peep will be raised in opposition by even the most popular and well known dissident scientists. It is our due for having been kept down for so long by the malicious and the ignorant and the apathetic. They don’t care? Well, good, they won’t care when we run the show either. Since we deserve pure power for our long suffering, it is our right and our duty to take it and abuse it.

The abolitionists make an amendment to this case by suggesting that although taking power is okay, since we don’t want any of us to end up on the underside of the heap in the future, we must make sure to abolish the Normals as soon as we seize the wheel. Both the Conspiracy members and the Normals must meet nuclear evaporation to cleanse the planet. If this step is not taken, then potential further Conspiracies can develop among the ranks of the Church hierarchy, ruining our plan to establish a world of total joy-seeking abandon. Again, though, the answers to these questions lie in the future. “Bob” is carefully watching the laboratory in Cambodia for relevant data on the success of similar measures.

The Salvation
through display

Only a Normal would understand that liberation starts at home. Throwing off the shackles of a Conspiracy created Normal-supported moral standard and stifling cultural milieu must be the first step in individual development. Run wild and do whatever the fuck you please and you are saved. If you cannot see that the Normals are the source of such pernicious diseases as original sin, and that they can only be erased by engaging in forbidden acts, then you are a Normal, and by special design this publication and everything in it was written and structured so that it appears to you to be only the most horrible and insane of infantile documents. Indeed, it is, but you cannot see why, or to what purpose besides those fed to you by the Conspiracy through its tentacles and tendrils in the Normal media as stock explanations suitable to justify dismissal from concern of all odd or disturbing events. Thus the contents of the publication are absolutely incomprehensible to you except as mere entertainment or, if you are slightly higher than most, as some sort of rough commentary on the state of things. In actuality this publication is a direct communication to secret Church members throughout the world. The Church has been underground for more than three thousand years now, and our lines of communication have been cut by the Conspiracy so we must resort to the most intricate of coded messages, allegories, symbol system manipulations, parodic Iyricism, and metaphysical SubReference so that we can communicate directly with each other’s minds without letting anyone else know what is going on. We admit all this to insure disbelief by all but the most laughable of paranoiacs, to whom nobody listens anyway. But all that you see is a perhaps ludicrous and sometimes repellant testimony concerning the debilitation of certain people. Really it is a very specific instruction manual filled with important data concerning matters that cannot be revealed. You see, the apparent Church truths are mixed with lies while we get the message across to those who count. Anyone who does take it seriously is in trouble. And this is the end of the Normal receptive portion of the magazine since the rest is too important to be revealed to the likes of you. Normals cannot be saved by “ ;Bob”, by the Church, or by any weirdness that they may be capable of contriving. Furthermore, many of the Normals reading this will think they are on the inside of a fashionable joke or some such tripe, and may smile or laugh or recommend it to others to demonstrate their hipness. Actually it is they who are the most rank of all, and who are the fullest and biggest brunt of any joke that this might be, since we have their money in our pockets. Any saving weirdness has to be authentic (something even the coolest of Normals cannot bear to work into their tight schedule of personas, for fear that they may alienate each other), and only true, natural SubGenii are able to commit real acts of strangeblat, weirdnoid, or releasistness.


* “Bob” would point out that he himself can, in certain respects, be extremely “dumb.”—Ed

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