ART? An increasingly inadequate substitute for sex.

BLOOD BANK? Is there any other kind?

BOREDOM? Obligatory for sophisticates.

THE BORN-AGAIN? Twice too often.

CIVILIZATION? The biosphere’s skin disease.

CLASS WAR? The war to end all wars.

COUPLES? Monogamy is monotony.

THE CRUCIFIXION? Too little and too late.

CYNICISM? Long since surpassed by events.

DISCO? The bleat goes on.

DISEASE? Very dangerous: a leading cause of doctors.

ELECTIONS? Dumbocracy in action.

FAITH? Is fatal — get thee behind me, God!

THE FAMILY? No nukes!

FEMINISM? Equality with men: a paltry ambition.

FREE TIME? Work the boss doesn’t pay you for.

FULL EMPLOYMENT? A threat, not a promise.

GAYS? JEWS? Elites impersonating the oppressed.

GOVERNMENT? Guns don’t kill, politicians do.

GURUS? A good mantra is hard to find.

HIPPIES? Running on empty.

THE HOSTAGES? Not worth killing, not worth killing for.

JUDGES? Doddering despots in clown suits.

LAW? Crime without punishment.

LAWYERS? Life support systems for mouths.

THE LEFT? Left behind.

LEISURE? Paying & playing are mutually exclusive.

LIBERALS? Conservatives with guilty consciences.

LIBERTARIANISM? All the freedom that money can buy.

LIFE AFTER DEATH? Why wait?

MARXISM? The highest stage of capitalism.

MASOCHISM? Like taking your work home with you.

MYSTICS? Have incommunicable insights they won’t shut up about.

NECROPHILIA? A social disease.

NIHILISTS? Going beyond good & evil, they stopped half-way.

PEDAGOGICIDE? A victimless crime.

PLEASURE? Interludes that accentuate pain.

POLICE? Terrorists with the right credentials.

POLITICS? Like a pond; the scum rises to the top.

PREJUDICE? Folk sociology.

PROPERTY? Is theft — and theft is proper.

PUNKS? Hippies with amnesia.

PUNK VENUES? Defoliated fern bars.

PUNQUES? Punks who attend art school.

RADIO EVANGELISTS? Less aural sects, more oral sex!

REAGAN? A step in the Reich direction.

RELATIONSHIPS? Being alone together.

RELIGION? Deifying your defects.

THE RIGHT? Wrong.

ROCK MUSIC? Has a great future behind it.

R.O.T.C.? Charnel knowledge.

SAN FRANCISCO? Baja Sausalito.

THE “SCENE”? How to be different like everybody else.

SEX? An increasingly inadequate substitute for masturbation.

SCHOOL VIOLENCE? Class struggle as struggle in class.

SOCIALISTS? Sheep in wolves’ clothing.

TEACHERS? Outclassed.

THERAPY? Punishment without crime.

TROTSKYISM? Stalinism out of power.

UTOPIA? Nostalgia for the future.

VEGETARIANS? You are what you eat.

ZIONISM? Jewish Nazism.

Part IV: Other Vices